“It seems
you do not want to talk to me anymore.
What is happening?” - Yvonne asked
Bob. Complete silence from him.
“Tell me what is going on. I
cannot take this silence much longer” with Yvonne’s voice raising
one octave with the question. Bob
responded with, “Okay, I will tell you but do not interrupt
me.” “I am not going to
interrupt you” chirped in Yvonne as she
interrupted Bob. “I knew you could
not keep your mouth shut long enough for me to even start. Why bother," Bob
responded.
“Okay, okay. I will keep my mouth shut as long as
you will talk to me” Yvonne said as her tone of voice got quieter. One
day many years ago this is how this particular conversation began but escalated into one that changed my life and
my marriage.
During the
conversation I learned that the reason Bob stopped talking
with me. It was because I would always
correct and criticize whatever he had to say, as soon as he said
something. Anything. I
started to defend myself, but in the midst of it the Lord made me aware
that Bob was speaking the truth. The
way I was communicating with my husband was showing such disrespect to
him. I had a
choice at that moment to either disregard the truth I heard and
continue with my destructive tongue and watch the distance between the
two of us become even wider, or I could make a change and pray that the
Lord would help create in me a healing tongue. Fortunately I chose the
latter.
After asking Bob
for forgiveness I needed to take steps to change my habit of
criticism into one of compliments. What
helped was when I started to realize how criticism affects a man. Continual negative criticism does
not cause a man to try harder but rather to first clam up and then to give up.
I saw this with
my own relationship with Bob. He
would want to do something for me when I was feeling overwhelmed with
all the responsibilities of life. He wanted to rescue his damsel
in distress. But instead of appreciating
him and giving him a compliment, I would start criticizing. When I did
this I was sending a message that he is inadequate and a failure. After
awhile Bob stopped doing anything for me
because he knew he could not ever do it well enough to please me.. No man wants to stay in a situation that
continually makes him feel inadequate, so instead of battling he
decided to give up and clam up.
As I started to
change and show appreciation and give compliments I found my
husband responding to this by wanting to do things for me and desiring
to talk with me.
I know right now
some of you women are saying, "That sounds great but when he
does something and it is not done right what am I
suppose to do?"
A couple of
thoughts on this. He most likely is going to approach the situation differently
than you. Different does not mean
necessarily wrong, it is just different. Ask
yourself if there something you can learn from this? Maybe his
way of doing something ends up being a better way.
It is always possible. But also keep your eye on the
goal – getting the job done. Does it
really matter that the bowls were not put in the ‘right’ place in the dishwasher. Did
they get clean? Yes? Then that
is all that matters. If we as women battle
to win over everything we will end up losing in our marriage.
Secondly, if
something needs to be done a certain way you do need to bring
it up and talk with him, yes, but it is the when and
how you say it that is important. When
Bob was beginning to help with the laundry, I went through the
typical explanation of separating whites and darks and what
clothes do not go in the dryer.
One day as I was leaving the house I asked Bob to
finish up the laundry. When I came home it
was all done but I realized Bob had put a new top of mine in
the dryer and it had really shrunk. Before
I even had a chance to say thank you I was ready to criticize him for
what he had done. But I stopped, thought
and realized if I criticize right away over this minor matter he
probably would not want to do the laundry again. Instead I walked
into his office and thanked him for what he did. He
said he would gladly help anytime. When I
walked away he felt like he was my "hero." (Men like to be
hero's.)
I
waited about four days and then brought the situation up in a casual conversation
and spoke it in a nice tone of voice. Tone is so important in showing
respect. Do you speak nicer to
telemarketers than you do your own husband? The
good news was that Bob was receptive to my conversation,
apologized, and said next time he would pay attention to what
should and should not go in the dryer. I
made my point but I also preserved our relationship by treating him
with respect.
This
whole principle goes with a scripture verse found in Eph 4:29
which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your
mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to
their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
To help me make
the transition from a woman who criticizes to one whom gives
compliments here are some of the things I have learned:
Become A
Plank Remover Instead Of A Speck Inspector
In Mathew 7
verses 1-5 it speaks about how we
are so busy looking at the speck in everyone's eye, and
criticize them for it, but all the time we are walking around with a
plank sticking out of our own eye. What I had to do was look at myself
and see the areas I needed to change instead of thinking it was
Bob who needed all the work. We have
to remember that a critical spirit has a way of boomeranging on us.
Keep A
Thanksgiving List
For
the next month write out a list of all the things you are
thankful for about your husband and other areas of your life. Add one to the list every day. It will help
you change your focus to what is wrong to all the things that are right
in your life. You will also find that
appreciation and compliments spring forth from a thankful heart
Look For
Ways Daily To Bless Your Husband
Something
special you do for him, something you say or a note you write. Get creative.
Stop
Nagging
This is a subtle
form of correction and criticism. Plus
nagging really bugs men because as women we sound like a constant
dripping faucet. That is irritating, plus
reminding him over and over again makes him feel like a little boy
getting bawled out by his mother. He then gets resistant to doing what
you desire him to do.
If want him to do something for you,
such as take out the garbage, ask him to do it and tell him
you have placed it by the kitchen door. At
that point do notkeep reminding him every 20 minutes about it and
throwing in how horrible he is because he never does anything for you. Instead, let it go. And
when he empties it, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate his
help. Do not major in the minors.
Of course
if there is a problem, yes, you
need to talk to him about it. Discuss
possibilities of a solution, make a decision and then move on.
Be
Around Women Who Have A Positive Attitude And Thankful Heart.
The people we
hang out with have a tremendous influence on how we feel
and behave. Use
it to work for you, not against you.
Pray
Daily
Psalm 141:3 - “Set a
guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door
of my lips.” Every
morning when I get up I ask the Holy Spirit to take control of my
tongue that day. It is amazing how
differently my conversations go, especially with my husband.
One last
thought: Getting rid of criticism will
help bring on loving feelings towards your husband. When your criticism is targeting your husband over time it destroys the warm feelings
for him. The reason this occurs is because
you become so focused on what is wrong with him. Hence pushing
out all the things that are right and the good feelings that go along
with them. If this has
happened to you, ask God to open your eyes to see what is right in your
husband’s life. Then compliment him on those qualities.
The loving feelings will start to be regenerated. How do I know? This
is exactly what happened in my life.
Ladies my prayer for you is if you
have found yourself enveloped in the habit of criticism that God will speak to you and encourage you
through the suggestions in this newsletter.
Double Note: First, Yvonne is available to
speak at women's conferences and retreats. Some of her practical
and encouraging topics are listed on her webpage on our website, plus
feel free to call and talk to her personally. Secondly, if
you did not receive our newsletter sent out two months ago that
featured A Husband's Confession by Bob, please E-Mail us and request
it. Thank you. (Dennis)
http://www.turnbullministries.org
