Across Pacific Magazine

 A WIFE'S CONFESSION  
Going From A Complainer To One Who Compliments

by Yvonne Turnbull
 

   “It seems you do not want to talk to me anymore.  What is happening?” -   Yvonne asked Bob.  Complete silence from him. 

 

    “Tell me what is going on.   I cannot take this silence much longer” with Yvonne’s voice raising one octave with the question.  Bob responded with, “Okay, I will tell you but do not interrupt me.”   “I am not going to interrupt you” chirped in Yvonne as she interrupted Bob.  “I knew you could not keep your mouth shut long enough for me to even start.  Why bother," Bob responded. 

 

   “Okay, okay.  I will keep my mouth shut as long as you will talk to me” Yvonne said as her tone of voice got quieter. One day many years ago this is how this particular conversation began but escalated into one that changed my life and my marriage.   

 

   During the conversation I learned that the reason Bob stopped talking with me. It was because I  would always correct and criticize whatever he had to say, as soon as he said something.  Anything.  I started to defend myself, but in the midst of it the Lord made me aware that Bob was speaking the truth.  The way I was communicating with my husband was showing such disrespect to him.   I had a choice at that moment to either disregard the truth I heard and continue with my destructive tongue and watch the distance between the two of us become even wider, or I could make a change and pray that the Lord would help create in me a healing tongue. Fortunately I chose the latter.

 

   After asking Bob for forgiveness I needed to take steps to change my habit of criticism into one of compliments.  What helped was when I started to realize how criticism affects a man.  Continual negative criticism does not cause a man to try harder but rather to first clam up and then to give up.

 

   I saw this with my own relationship with Bob.  He would want to do something for me when I was feeling overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of life.  He wanted to rescue his damsel in distress.  But instead of appreciating him and giving him a compliment, I would start criticizing. When I did this I was sending a message that he is inadequate and a failure. After awhile Bob stopped doing anything for me because he knew he could not ever do it well enough to please me..  No man wants to stay in a situation that continually makes him feel inadequate, so instead of battling he decided to give up and clam up.

 

   As I started to change and show appreciation and give compliments I found my husband responding to this by wanting to do things for me and desiring to talk with me.

 

   I know right now some of you women are saying, "That sounds great but when he does something and it is not done right what am I suppose to do?"

 

   A couple of thoughts on this.  He most likely is going to approach the situation differently than you.  Different does not mean necessarily wrong, it is just different.  Ask yourself if there something you can learn from this?  Maybe his way of doing something ends up being a better way.  It is always possible.  But also keep your eye on the goal – getting the job done.  Does it really matter that the bowls were not put in the ‘right’  place in the dishwasher.  Did they get clean?  Yes?  Then that is all that matters.  If we as women battle to win over everything we will end up losing in our marriage.

 

   Secondly, if something needs to be done a certain way you do need to bring it up and talk with him, yes, but it is the when and how you say it that is important. When Bob was beginning to help with the laundry, I went through the typical explanation of separating whites and darks and what clothes do not go in the dryer.  One day as I was leaving the house I asked Bob to finish up the laundry.  When I came home it was all done but I realized Bob had put a new top of mine in the dryer and it had really shrunk.  Before I even had a chance to say thank you I was ready to criticize him for what he had done.  But I stopped, thought and realized if I criticize right away over this minor matter he probably would not want to do the laundry again. Instead I walked into his office and thanked him for what he did.  He said he would gladly help anytime.  When I walked away he felt like he was my "hero."  (Men like to be hero's.) 

 

   I waited about four days and then brought the situation up in a casual conversation and spoke it in a nice tone of voice. Tone is so important in showing respect.  Do you speak nicer to telemarketers than you do your own husband?  The good news was that Bob was receptive to my conversation, apologized, and said next time he would pay attention to what should and should not go in the dryer.  I made my point but I also preserved our relationship by treating him with respect.   

 

   This whole principle goes with a scripture verse found in Eph 4:29 which says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

 

   To help me make the transition from a woman who criticizes to one whom gives compliments here are some of the things I have learned:

  

Become A Plank Remover Instead Of A Speck Inspector 

 

   In Mathew 7 verses 1-5 it speaks about how we are so busy looking at the speck in everyone's eye, and criticize them for it, but all the time we are walking around with a plank sticking out of our own eye. What I had to do was look at myself and see the areas I needed to change instead of thinking it was Bob who needed all the work.  We have to remember that a critical spirit has a way of boomeranging on us.

 

Keep A Thanksgiving List

 

   For the next month write out a list of all the things you are thankful for about your husband and other areas of your life.  Add one to the list every day. It will help you change your focus to what is wrong to all the things that are right in your life.  You will also find that appreciation and compliments spring forth from a thankful heart

 

Look For Ways Daily To Bless Your Husband

 

   Something special you do for him, something you say or a note you write.  Get creative.

 

Stop Nagging

 

   This is a subtle form of correction and criticism.  Plus nagging really bugs men because as women we sound like a constant dripping faucet.  That is irritating, plus reminding him over and over again makes him feel like a little boy getting bawled out by his mother. He then gets resistant to doing what you desire him to do.

 

   If want him to do something for you, such as take out the garbage, ask him to do it and tell him you have placed it by the kitchen door.  At that point do notkeep reminding him every 20 minutes about it and throwing in how horrible he is because he never does anything for you.  Instead, let it go.  And when he empties it, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate his help.  Do not major in the minors. 

 

   Of course if there is a problem, yes, you need to talk to him about it.  Discuss possibilities of a solution, make a decision and then move on. 

  

Be Around Women Who Have A Positive Attitude And Thankful Heart.

 

   The people we hang out with have a tremendous influence on how we feel and behave.  Use it to work for you, not against you.  

 

Pray Daily 

 

   Psalm  141:3 - “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”    Every morning when I get up I ask the Holy Spirit to take control of my tongue that day.  It is amazing how differently my conversations go, especially with my husband. 

 

   One last thought:  Getting rid of criticism will help bring on loving feelings towards your husband.   When your criticism is targeting your husband over time it destroys the warm feelings for him.  The reason this occurs is because you become so focused on what is wrong with him.  Hence pushing out all the things that are right and the good feelings that go along with them.    If this has happened to you, ask God to open your eyes to see what is right in your husband’s life. Then compliment him on those qualities.  The loving feelings will start to be regenerated.  How do I know?  This is exactly what happened in my life. 

 

   Ladies my prayer for you is if you have found yourself enveloped in the habit of criticism that God will speak to you and encourage you through the suggestions in this newsletter.

 

 

Double Note: First, Yvonne is available to speak at women's conferences and retreats.  Some of her practical and encouraging topics are listed on her webpage on our website, plus feel free to call and talk to her personally.  Secondly, if you did not receive our newsletter sent out two months ago that featured A Husband's Confession by Bob, please E-Mail us and request it. Thank you.      (Dennis)

        
http://www.turnbullministries.org

 
PO Box 5580
La Quinta, CA 92248
Phone: 760.238.4588
 




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