Job Offer:
Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term,
team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also
required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to
be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing
to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume fin! ! al,
complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job
training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get
this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health
or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play
your cards right.
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