Greetings from the reddest of the red states! Wow! What a
ride. If you're from the right side of the aisle, we're here to
celebrate with you. If you're a leftie, well you need some jokes
to cheer you up.
John Kerry Excuses
* Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they
couldn't get flu shots
* Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots
* Maybe it wasn't best idea to begin speeches with "yo mama is so fat"
* The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him
* Dude--it's the Curse of the Bambino
* Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico
* Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly-run war
I don't know, but I think Dan Rather is losing it.
Here's some of his quaint sayings during the long election night
"His lead is as thin as turnip soup."
"This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex."
"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got
his back to the wall, his shirttail's on fire and the bill collector's
at the door."
(To Joe Lockhart) "I know that you'd rather walk through a
furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John
Kerry would lose Ohio."
"We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."
"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule.
"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."
"This election is closer than Lassie and Timmy."
"Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there
(Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of
hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of
carrying that out there."
"We don't know what to do. We don't know whether to wind a watch or
bark at the moon."
On how the results are affecting strategists: "It's one reason so many
of them drink a lot."
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather:
"Thanks Dan, I always believe you." Rather: "Now, ladies and gentleman,
if you believe that, you'll believe rocks can grow."
Some really bad jokes, from Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion:
What does the Pope use to clean up messy spills?
What do you call a cow with three legs?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
What goes "oo, oo"
A cow with no lips.
What has four legs and says, "Foo?"
A cow with bucked teeth.
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Ron White, on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour:
We took off for our flight to Phoenix from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair
Care and Tire Center. Our plane was the size of a pack of gum
with eight people in it. We were flying at half the speed of
smell. We got passed by a kite. A goose came up behind us
and the pilot was yelling, Go around! Go around!
We got halfway to Phoenix and we had to go back. It's a nine
minute flight. But we lost some oil pressure and one of our
engines was failing. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but Id
been drinkin since lunch so I didnt care. The guy sitting next
to me is losing his mind. Apparently he had a lot to live
for. He said, If we lose one of our engines how far will the
other one take us?
All the way to the scene of the crash, I said, which is handy
because thats where were headed. I bet we beat the paramedics
there by a good half hour.
This year I encountered something close to Truth in Advertising.
The De Beers people used to say, "Diamonds are Forever." But now
their ad says, "Diamonds Will Render Her Speechless." Why dont
they just come out and say, "Diamonds--That'll Shut Her Up!"
I'm from Texas and in Texas we have the death penalty and we USE
it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill
you back. That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill
through the Texas legislature right now that will speed up the
process. If you commit certain heinous crimes and there's more
than three credible eyewitnesses... if three witnesses saw you do what
you did, you don't sit on death row for 15 years making appeals.
You go to the head of the line. Other states are trying to
abolish the death penalty. My state is putting in an express lane.
From Dennis Fahringer:
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be
sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other
and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my
'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and
them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and
ask them to vote for you."
Another from Dennis...
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation
from the church and
planned move to Arizona. After the service a very distraught Mrs.
Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill,
we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor pattedher hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't
carry on so... The pastor
who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Pastor Mike said when he left!"
From Tracy White:
Due to the popularity of the
Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor: Texas
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin,
San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then
proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and
Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper
stickers that read: "I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I
voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Kerry in '04, Hillary in 2008,
and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
And finally, the weekly wrap up of news, slightly skewed...
Newsweek detailed the intense feelings of Democrats and Republicans
today. It's a battle between exasperated rage and moral certitude. It's
so bad that Osama bin Laden just released a video asking Americans to
remain calm and remember that he's the enemy, not each other.
John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his
campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are!
Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple
Hearts. --David Letterman
Osama bin Laden surfaced in a new videotape Friday. He promises any
follower who kills an American will be greeted in paradise by
seventy-two virgins. One day in the distant future, the virgin waiting
for Osama bin Laden will be Janet Reno. Argus
Our Election 2004 Fiasco Preview begins where the fiasco began last
time: Florida. While The Sunshine State's 2000 debacle gave all of
America 36 days of breezy, lighthearted fun, there were negative
aspects as well, and the state has been warned by God four times this
hurricane season alone to never let it happen again. --Jon Stewart
Look at Massachusetts: they got the Red Sox winning the pennant, the
Patriots winning the Super bowl, they got John Kerry. Okay -- two out
of three. --Jay Leno
It all came down to one state. Political experts say that this year's
Florida is Ohio. As a result, this year's spring break is expected to
suck. --Conan O'Brien
Democrats swore this election would not be decided by the Supreme
Court. Thanks to their clever strategy of incoherent campaign themes,
an uncomfortable Vietnam fetish, and an undying belief in the
get-out-the-vote power of Ashton Kutcher and Bon Jovi, it won't be.
Yeah, take that, Scalia!" --"Daily Show" correspondent Rob Corddry
Democrats were misled by incorrect exit polls into believing that John
Kerry was going to win Tuesday afternoon. The truth began to dawn on
them around seven o'clock. Michael Moore was last seen crossing the
Afghan border into Pakistan. Argus
You have to feel bad for John Kerry because now he he'll have to go
back to his life of being a senator, windsurfing and being a
Kerry did say he was sorry he lost the election because he was looking
forward to spending less time with his wife. --Letterman
President Bush beat John Kerry by several million votes Tuesday.
Republicans increased their majority in the House and Senate. If it had
gone any worse for the Democrats, Martin Sheen would have been replaced
on The West Wing by Toby Keith. Argus
It was a rough campaign. Now the Kerry daughters are
Democrats expressed shock that the high voter turnout favored President
Bush. The number-one reason people said in exit polls that they voted
for him was moral values. Bill Clinton made one week of campaign
appearances and cost John Kerry the election. Argus
The Paris City Council has banned SUVs inside the city limits because,
"They're big, ugly and foul smelling." For the same reasons they have
banned Gerard Depardieu. --Conan
In the Scott Peterson trial, his lawyers told the jury they should not
convict him "just because he's a jerk and a liar." I agree. They
should convict him because he's a murderer! - Leno
Annoy a liberal:
work hard and be happy