Dilbert-isms
'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule'
Finalists from a "Dilbert Quotes" contest, with quotes from real-life
Dilbert-type managers:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we
will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company )
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that
are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager,
United Parcel Service)
5. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks
and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D
supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her
was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked
if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better
for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs
Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to
him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have
waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards)
12. And the winner!! As director of communications,
I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs
and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I
mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I
was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive
vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked
why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)
working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo,
with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in
red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word
up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to
her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later,
a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which
could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from
the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
