Ronald Reagan Humor

Compiled by Janice Rogers

Many of us watched the funeral of Ronald Reagan recently, and we shed a tear for our fallen hero.  If you;re too young to have known him as president, you never experienced his great sense of humor. 

In fact, when humorists rated the presidents according to their humor, Reagan was in the top five. (Abraham Lincoln was named the funniest.)  Reagan leavened his speeches and often disarmed his enemies with jokes such as the ones here.  Enjoy!

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Claire Booth Luce gave a long-winded introduction of President Reagan once, recalling examples of how former presidents had faced the heavy burdens, sacrifices, and endless suffering as Lonely Titans of the Oval Office.  When Reagan finally got the microphone he replied, "Well, Claire, I must be doing something wrong.  I'm kind of enjoying myself."

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While recovering from colon surgery, Reagan said, "As if the independent counsel, a special review board, and two congressional committees weren't enough, there was my trip to Bethesda [hospital].  I tell you, one more probe and I've had it."

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Government's view of the economy could be summed up in three short phrases. 

If it moves, tax it. 
If it keeps moving, regulate it. 
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

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At a university commencement, "You know, I was devoted to some other activities, such as football and swimming and campus dramatics.  And I've often wondered since, if I'd spent more time and worked harder as a student how far I might have gone."

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History's no easy subject.  Even in my day, it wasn't.  And we had so much less of it to learn then.

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...after spending a whole [presidential] campaign talking about the serious problems we faced, I got into office and found out I'd been guilty of understatement.  I felt a little like the Titanic passenger John Jacob Astor, who it is reported said when the ship hit the iceberg, Listen, I asked for ice but this is ridiculous.

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I was just in Venice.  They must have had a hard spring, because from the helicopter when I looked down, all the streets seem to be flooded.

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Jesse Helms wants me to move to the right.  Lowell Weicker wants me to move to the left.  Teddy Kennedy wants me to move back to California.

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I did turn seventy-five today, but remember, that's only twenty-four Celsius.

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We need more Democrats in the Senate - like Custer needed more arrows.

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There are some in government who have a very simple tax proposal in mind.  There will be only two lines on the tax form:  How much did you make last year?  Send it.

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Someone once likened government to a baby.  It is an alimentary canal with an appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

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Reagan told of a taxpayer with a guilty conscience who wrote the IRS: "Enclosed is a check for $1,000.  I cheated on my taxes last year, and I can't sleep at night.  P.S. If I still can't sleep, I'll send the rest I owe you."

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Speaking at an Irish-American celebration, Reagan told of two sons of Ireland in a pub one night. One asked the other about his wife.  "Oh, she's terrible sick.  She's terribly ill."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the other replied.  "Is there any danger?"

"Oh, no.  She's too weak to be dangerous anymore."

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At another Irish gathering, Reagan told the story of the town rogue of a small Irish hamlet who lay on his deathbed.  The priest was preparing for last rites, and asked him, "Do you renounce the devil?  Do you renounce him and all his works?"  The rogue opened one eye and said, "Father, this is no time for making enemies."

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Reagan told of an old farmer who was asked where he would like to be in the event of a nuclear explosion.  The old boy said, "Someplace where I could say, 'What was that?'"

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The former president was telling a group once about his tumultuous days as governor of California during the rebellious sixties and early 70s.  He said he had a meeting with some of the organizers of the protests.  They came into his office wearing t-shirts and jeans, and some were barefoot.

Their spokesman began, "Governor, it's impossible for your generation to understand us.... You didn't grow up in a world of instant electronic communications, of cybernetics, of men computing in seconds what once took months, even years, or jet travel, nuclear power, and journeys into space...."

When the young man finished, Reagan said, "You're absolutely right.  Our generation didn't have those things when we were growing up.  We invented them."

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"There was this fellow who went to the doctor for a complete checkup, very depressed, and said to the doctor, 'I look in the mirror and I'm a mess.  My jowls are sagging, I have blotches all over my face.  My hair has fallen out, I feel ugly.  What is it?'

"And the doctor said, 'I don't know what it is, but your eyesight's perfect.'"

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Then there was the guy who went in for a physical examination, then told the doctor, "Give it to me straight, I can take it."  And the doctor said, "Let me put it to you this way.  Eat the best part of the chicken first.’"

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You know it's said that an economist is the only professional who sees something working in practice and then seriously wonders if it works in theory.

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You know I've never understood what's so bad about being a cowboy.  I'm proud of my spurs.  I've often said there's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.

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A real tough cowboy came in here [to Mickey Gilley’s place] and said to a waiter, "I want a real rare steak."  In about three minutes, the waiter was back with a platter and a steak on it.  The kid takes one look at it and says, "Take it back." And he said, "But you said you wanted a real rare steak." And the kid says, "I've seen cows hurt worse than this get up and walk away."

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You know, there was a little tad that was in court in New York, bandaged from his toe to his chin, suing for four million dollars as the result of an accident, and he won the suit.  The lawyers for the insurance company went over to him and said, "You're never going to enjoy a penny of this.  We're going to follow you twenty-four hours a day.  We know you're faking, and the first time you move, we'll have you."

He said, "Will you, now?  Let me tell you what's going to happen to me.  They're coming in here with a stretcher.  We're flying direct to Paris, France, and there they're taking me on the stretcher off the plane, putting me in another ambulance.  We're going direct to the shrine of Lourdes, and there you're going to see the darndest miracle you ever saw."

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There was a fellow that was on his way to a mountain resort, and a policeman stopped him and said, "Did you know you're driving without taillights?" And the driver hopped out of the car.  He was so badly shaken that the officer took pity on him and said, "Well, now, wait a minute.  Calm down.  It's not that serious an infraction."

The fellow said, "It may not mean much to you, but to me it means I've lost my trailer, my wife, and four kids!"

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And may I conclude with an Irish blessing... May those who love us, love us.  And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.  And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.

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That's it for this time....    Have a great weekend!  -  Jannie