Red Skelton's Tips For a Happy Marriage

* Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

* I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

* I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

* She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

* Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

* The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"