Actual Signs

Toilet Out of Order.  Please Use Floor Below.

In Laundromat:  Automatic Washing Machines: Please Remove All Your Clothes When the Light Goes Out

In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office: After Tea Break Staff Should Empty the Teapot and Stand Upside Down on the Draining Board

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay in Your Car

Notice in a farmer's field: Farmer Allows Walkers to Cross the Field for Free, but the Bull Charges

Message on a leaflet: If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How to Get Lessons

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The Amazing Never List

* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. --Anonymous

* Never accept a drink from a urologist. --Erma Bombeck

* Never say "Oops" in the operating room. --Dr. Leo Troy

* Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. --Harry S. Truman

* Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's 16-year-old daughter on your lap. --Anonymous member of a chain gang

* Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" --Rita Rudner

* Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. --John Peers

* Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. --American adage about newspaper editors.

* Never eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy

* Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.  - -Anonymous