34 ways to annoy people
From Bruce D. Clewett
1. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
2. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
4. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
5. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol (dis-infectant).
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
7. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
9. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
10. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
13. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
15. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
16. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
17. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
18. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
19. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
20. Ask people what gender they are.
21. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
22. Eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies immediately before going to the dentist for a cleaning.
23. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
24. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
25. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
26. Wear a LOT of cologne.
27. Listen to 33 rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
28. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
29. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
31. Never make eye contact.
32. Never break eye contact.
33. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
34. Regularly send people on your Email list things that YOU think are funny.
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35. Send humor pages back to the person you get them from.
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