- Leno:
- They had a million men at the Promise Keepers gathering this past weekend
- in Washington. That's the first time in our capital's history that
the
- Promise Breakers were out-numbered.
-
- Letterman:
- President Clinton was fitted for a hearing aid this last week. It came
as
- no surprise that Clinton was having hearing problems... there's the
- Whitewater Hearing, the Paula Jones Hearing, the Senate hearing.....
-
- *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-..,_,.*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_
-
- from Peter M. Jordan:
-
- Here's a little clarification of typical corporate
lingo.
-
- COMPETITIVE SALARY:
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
-
- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
- We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself
- to your co-workers.
-
- SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
- ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our
- internship-level salaries.
-
- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple
of
- the real daring guys wear ear rings.
-
- JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
-
- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
-
- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
-
- DUTIES WILL VARY:
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
-
- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
- We have no quality control.
-
- COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like
- philosophy or English.
-
- NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
-
- SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
- You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
-
- PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
-
- REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
- respect.
-
- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want,
- and then do it.
-
- *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-..,_,.*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_
-
- To Help Keep You up with the latest Jar
Gun:
-
- "batmobiling"
- putting up emotional shields, from the retracting armor that covers
- the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and Michael
** started batmobiling"
-
-
- "beepilepsy"
- afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms,
goofy
- facial expressions and loss of speech
-
- "betamaxed"
- when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better
marketed competition
- as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
-
- "blowing your buffer"
- losing your train of thought
-
- "cobweb"
- a WWW site that never changes
-
- "elvis year"
- the peak year of popularity
- as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's
- elvis year"
-
- "generica"
- fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so
lost in generica that
- I couldn't remember what city it was"
-
- "going postal"
- totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went
on shooting rampages
-
- "high dome"
- egghead, scientist, PhD
-
- "irritainment"
- annoying but you can't stop watching- e.g. the O.J. trial
-
- "meatspace"
- the physical world (as opposed to the virtual)
- also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F"
"RL"
-
- "percussive maintenance"
- the fine art of whacking a device to get it working
-
- "prairie dogging"
- in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone
pops up to look
-
- "siliwood"
- the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also
"hollywired"
-
- "square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend)
- computer
-
- "treeware"
- manuals and documentation
-
- "umfriend"
- sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend"
-
- "world wide wait"
- WWW
-
- "yuppie food coupons"
- twenty dollar bills from an ATM
-
- *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-..,_,.*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_
-
- Dennis sends in some very impotant questions:
-
- How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that
the
- basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
-
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No
animals
- allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for?
Is it for
- the dog, or the blind person?
-
- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't
you
- ever see anyone take one to the beach?
-
- *:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-..,_,.*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_
