Leno:
They had a million men at the Promise Keepers gathering this past weekend
in Washington. That's the first time in our capital's history that the
Promise Breakers were out-numbered.
 
Letterman:
President Clinton was fitted for a hearing aid this last week. It came as
no surprise that Clinton was having hearing problems... there's the
Whitewater Hearing, the Paula Jones Hearing, the Senate hearing.....
 
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from Peter M. Jordan:
 
Here's a little clarification of typical corporate lingo.
 
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
 
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself
to your co-workers.
 
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our
internship-level salaries.
 
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear ear rings.
 
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
 
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
 
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
 
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
 
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
 
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like
philosophy or English.
 
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
 
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
 
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
 
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
 
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want,
and then do it.
 
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To Help Keep You up with the latest Jar Gun:
 
"batmobiling"
putting up emotional shields, from the retracting armor that covers
the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and Michael ** started batmobiling"
 
"beepilepsy"
afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy
facial expressions and loss of speech
"betamaxed"
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition
as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market"
"blowing your buffer"
losing your train of thought
"cobweb"
a WWW site that never changes
"elvis year"
the peak year of popularity
as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's
elvis year"
"generica"
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that
I couldn't remember what city it was"
"going postal"
totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages
"high dome"
egghead, scientist, PhD
"irritainment"
annoying but you can't stop watching- e.g. the O.J. trial
"meatspace"
the physical world (as opposed to the virtual)
also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"
"percussive maintenance"
the fine art of whacking a device to get it working
"prairie dogging"
in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look
"siliwood"
the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired"
"square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend)
computer
"treeware"
manuals and documentation
"umfriend"
sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend"
"world wide wait"
WWW
"yuppie food coupons"
twenty dollar bills from an ATM
 
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Dennis sends in some very impotant questions:
 
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the
basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
 
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals
allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for
the dog, or the blind person?
 
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you
ever see anyone take one to the beach?
 
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