============== Original Message ==============
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the
Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
2. There is no such thing as "US English".
We will let Microsoft know on
3. You should learn to distinguish the English
and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally
to cast English actors as the
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if
they give you any trouble. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned.
They are rubbish and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
This was one American's response:
"As funny as that was, you should be aware that Americans
(pronounced Murcans) only have a sense of humour when they are making fun
of other cultures, or minorities. It is unlikely that most will see this
as a humorous article, in fact it is likely that missiles are in the air
now. If any Britons survive the U.S.'s initial attempt at friendly resolution
of differences Senators Helms and Burton will see to it that this type
of humour is not repeated."
[name withheld - by request]
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