From someone who only I know:

eating children's birthday cake

A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.
So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.
 

Deep thoughts...

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Future historians will be able to study at: The Gerald Ford
Library, The James Carter Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

More deep thoughts from Brian Warren:

* I tried Slim Fast.  It ain't fast and I ain't slim.

* Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a
rainy afternoon.

* Diet Soda  (dy*it so*da)  n. A drink you buy at a convenience
store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

* Sometimes I get to thinking...But I can usually nip *that* in
the bud by turning on the TV.

* "Disney on Ice!" To you, that may mean family entertainment at
your local sports arena. To me, it's code for "Walt is secure."

* When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think
they're going? 

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As
the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a
young woman turned to a minister sitting next  to her and with a
nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do
something about this storm?" 

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management." 

Disclaimer: 
I take no responsibility for this next piece, and it
will only take about $3000 for me to divulge its source.

OK, OK, equal time...

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

From Aaron Alford: Signs You Might Be Canadian

You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette,
I just spilled my poutine"

You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a
cheap place to travel to with good cigars and no Americans.

When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to
fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

You know that Mounties 'don't always look like that.'

You don't eat Canadian Bacon; it's 'back' bacon, or 'pea-meal'
bacon.

You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is
not.

You wonder why there isn't a $5 coin yet.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar
added," due to extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You are excited whenever an American television show mentions
Canada, making sure to talk about it at work the next day.

Because I'm still somewhere else (not 'someone' else like Pammy),
I cannot substantiate this...

Al Gore gave a big speech about how his faith is so "important"
to him. In this attempt to convince the American people that we
should consider him for president, he announced that his favorite
Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the speech writer meant John
3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar enough with
scripture to catch the error.

And do you know what John 16:3 says? "They will do such things
because they have not known the Father."

From Dennis Fahringer:

                  You know you're getting old when...

*You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're
up, you might as well go to bed.
*You start complaining that "They're building car seats too low!"
*Your ears perk up when a laxative commercial comes on TV.
*Your underwear starts creeping up on you ... and you enjoy it.
*You feel your corns more than you do your oats.
*You know how to spell gastroenterologist.
*You have to use tenderizer in order to finish all your Cream of
Mushroom soup.
*"Happy Hour" now consists of a nap.
*Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
*Bingo is far too exciting.
*Undertakers have your unlisted phone number.

Telemarketers (from Pammy Warren)

What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the
middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal
bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

"The police photographer is still here, and the county medical
examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you
call back a little later?"
~~~
"I'm gonna have to put you on hold.  The baby is due any minute
now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it  Sorry, gotta
hurry now, don't go away."
~~~
"Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on
something."
~~~
"The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to..."

Letters to the pastor - from kids

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. 
~~~
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has
been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix 
~~~ 
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but
my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have
a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New
Haven 
~~~
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know
my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago 
~~~ 
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying
to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City 
~~~
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens 
~~~
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? 
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville 
~~~
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be
one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina 
~~~
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the 
newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

P. Michael Jordan
(You can laugh, but the other guy was named after me.)

  

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