Its from the January tGif
From someone who only I know:
A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.
So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the
full effect of alphabet
I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter
how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always
Future historians will be able to study at:
The Gerald Ford
Library, The James Carter Library, The Ronald
Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
More deep thoughts from Brian Warren:
* I tried Slim Fast. It ain't fast
and I ain't slim.
* Millions long for immortality who don't
know what to do on a
* Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience
store to go with a half pound bag of peanut
* Sometimes I get to thinking...But I can
usually nip *that* in
the bud by turning on the TV.
* "Disney on Ice!" To you, that may mean
family entertainment at
your local sports arena. To me, it's code
for "Walt is secure."
* When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly
do they think
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe
the passengers were being bounced around
by the turbulence a
young woman turned to a minister sitting
next to her and with a
nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a
man of God, can't you do
something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales,
I take no responsibility for this next piece,
will only take about $3000 for me to divulge
OK, OK, equal time...
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go
Man: I would go to the end of the world for
Woman: But would you stay there?
From Aaron Alford: Signs
You Might Be Canadian
You understand the phrase, "Could you please
pass me a serviette,
I just spilled my poutine"
You don't know or care about the fuss with
Cuba, it's just a
cheap place to travel to with good cigars
and no Americans.
When there is a social problem, you turn
to your government to
fix it instead of telling them to stay out
You know that Mounties 'don't always look
You don't eat Canadian Bacon; it's 'back'
bacon, or 'pea-meal'
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're
glad Jerry Lewis is
You wonder why there isn't a $5 coin yet.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks
and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know French equivalents of "free", "prize"
and "no sugar
added," due to extensive education in bilingual
You are excited whenever an American television
Canada, making sure to talk about it at
work the next day.
Because I'm still somewhere else (not 'someone'
else like Pammy),
I cannot substantiate this...
Al Gore gave a big speech about how his faith
is so "important"
to him. In this attempt to convince the
American people that we
should consider him for president, he announced
that his favorite
Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course the
speech writer meant John
3:16, but nobody in the Gore camp was familiar
scripture to catch the error.
And do you know what John 16:3 says? "They
will do such things
because they have not known the Father."
From Dennis Fahringer:
You know you're getting old
*You get up to change the TV channel and
decide as long as you're
up, you might as well go to bed.
*You start complaining that "They're building
car seats too low!"
*Your ears perk up when a laxative commercial
comes on TV.
*Your underwear starts creeping up on you
... and you enjoy it.
*You feel your corns more than you do your
*You know how to spell gastroenterologist.
*You have to use tenderizer in order to
finish all your Cream of
*"Happy Hour" now consists of a nap.
*Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
*Bingo is far too exciting.
*Undertakers have your unlisted phone number.
Telemarketers (from Pammy Warren)
What to say to hucksters who telephone during
dinner or in the
middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides
of beef, municipal
bonds, aluminum siding, computer software
"The police photographer is still here, and
the county medical
examiner hasn't released the body to the
coroner yet. Can you
call back a little later?"
"I'm gonna have to put you on hold.
The baby is due any minute
now. Quick someone, get some hot water.
Lots of it Sorry, gotta
hurry now, don't go away."
"Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle
Harry is choking on
"The dog just died and I'm so glad to have
someone to talk to..."
to the pastor - from kids
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but
He never met my
sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8,
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that
Peter Peterson has
been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more
money in the plate, but
my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance.
Could you have
a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love, Patty. Age 10, New
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven
someday because I know
my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline
pilots. I am flying
to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10,
New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some
day but later than
sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there
a God for God?
Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth?
I think there may be
one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good
people from the bad
people? Do you tell Him or does He read
about it in the
newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
P. Michael Jordan
(You can laugh, but the other guy was named