Across Pacific Magazine -  humour
You might be in a redneck church if . . .

1. The doors are never locked.

2. The Call to Worship is,"Y'all come on in!"

3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

4. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

5. The restroom is outside.

6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel-drive truck because,
"I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".

8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."

9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its preachers had to
buy any meat or vegetables.

10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.

11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.

12. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon
you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.

13. The church directory doesn't have last names.

14. The preacher wears rubber boots.

15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.

16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the
summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.

17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."

19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.

21. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

Dennis Fahringer -

A across Pacific Magazine
C Chr'n Ministries  &  Churches
R Referrals  &  Reconciliation
O Outreach
S Sponsorships
S Schools
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