compiled by Jan Rogers 

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Stuff from Pam Warren's Aunt Viola:

"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well... basically...your
house burned even faster."
- Anonymous Ex-fireman

"There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for
seven hours, they always come out tender."
- W.C. Fields

"Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schultz

"I was just thinking of the immortal words of Socrates: 'I drank what?'"
- Val Kilmer in Real Genius

"Life is a cement trampoline."
- Howard Nordberg

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also from Aunt Viola:

Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional

New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fight over the last beer.
In the middle of your family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's
personalities.
Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your *#%^&#
brother sics the feds on you.
Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
No more sunny breakfast nook now that the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.

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Are you going camping this summer? Pam Warren sends these...

Backpackers' notes to the U.S. Forest Service:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way
I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

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******
Jonathan Rogers gives a Deep Thought:

There's nothing more beautiful than a sunset...
        ...a soft sunset of rose and gold and light blue....
                with a pink flamingo flying across the sky  and...
                        ... the flamingo is carrying a priceless oil
painting by Van Gogh, and...
                                                        ..,,,you're drunk.

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******
From Dennis Fahringer, Extreme Bumper Stickers:

I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!

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Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

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Jim Stafford:

We didn't have computers when I went to school. All I had was a pencil, a
pad of paper... and the guy next to me. One time he wrote on his test
paper, "I don't know." I wrote on mine, "I don't know either." If I had a
smarter guy to sit beside, there's no telling what I could have become!

We got a chihuahua. I was going to name him Spot, but he was so small I had
to name him Speck. Let me tell you, trying to housebreak that dog has been
a job! I think he's deliberately making messes. Today he was on the back
porch, trying to get in. His legs were crossed.

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This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

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From Judy Maynard:

New messages under consideration for Windows 2000:

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your
future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been
deleted. The police are on the way.

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True stories from Brett Benson...

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to
the ER right away.

***************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But
one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem:
a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand
painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative
work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards
beyond
the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of
change.

***************
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped
out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of
the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire
floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out
his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
 

"Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the
hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

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I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.  And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts
and....

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In case you're going overseas this summer,
       Dave Barry writes about London:

London is a popular place to visit because they have learned to speak some
English over there. Although frankly, they have a long way to go. I had a
lot of conversations that went like this:

ME: Excuse me, could you tell us how to get to Buckingham Palace?

BRITISH PERSON: Right. You go down this street here, then you nip up the
weckershams.

ME: We should nip up the weckershams?

BRIT: Right. Then you take your first left, then you just pop 'round the
gorn-and-scrumbles, and, Jack's-a-doughnut, there you are!

ME: Jack's a doughnut?

BRIT:  Right.

Also they have a lot of trouble with pronunciation because they can't move
their jaw muscles because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat
English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times
during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed. Some dishes--no
effort is made to conceal this fact--contain KIDNEYS. We also saw one dish
with a sign next to it that said--I swear I am not making this up--"Spotted
Dick."

....At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually
say "excuse me."  Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt
like that on the New York City subway?  The other passengers would take it
as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your
ears as a trophy.

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Jay Leno:

Officials are investigating six deaths related to Viagra. Six guys have
died! And that's just from cutting in line to buy it.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Pet Peeves of Surfers:

10. You catch an amazing wave and realize your trunks have caught a different wave
9.   Some wise guy switches the wax you normally use with Folger's Crystals
8.   Seniors' Day at the nude beach
7.   Starkist claiming it's too costly to produce surfer-free tuna
6.   People who act snooty because they actually attended some of their high school classes.
5.   Tidal waves that leave you tangled in the Hollywood sign.
4.   Every time the Federal Reserve gets over cautious about inflation and
            stifles the economy by raising interest rates, dude
3.   The way your sandwich gets all soggy as you paddle out
2.   Getting mouth-to-mouth from David Hasselhoff
1.   Kelp in your Speedos

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Bill Maher:

(re: Congress voting down a Constitutional Amendment for school prayer)
It's a sad state of affairs when the only time a kid prays in school is
when some other kid walks in with a rifle.

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From Dennis Fahringer:

A visiting preacher stood in front of a large gathering and claimed, "I can
tell a man's religion by the look on his face!"  He then pointed to the
third man in the second row.  "You are a Catholic," the preacher said.

"Correct!" replied the man.

He singled out a woman in the fourth pew, "You are a Seventh Day
Adventist."

"That's right!" she said.

He then pointed to  a man on the front row. "You are a Baptist."

The man stood up and mumbled, "No Reverend, I'm a Methodist, but I have
been sick."

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Church humor from Sam Sasser's book, Let Us Continue to Hold Sister Smith's
Leg Up in Prayer:

On opening day at Christ for the Nations Institute, "We trust you enjoy
yourselves here at Christ for the Naked...."

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An elderly woman in a Baptist Church in Corbin, Kentucky, stood to testify,
"I thank the Lord for total depravity. It's the only Baptist doctrine I can
live up to."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her students, "Who decreed that all the world
should be taxed?"

One kid's answer:  "The Democrats."

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A pastor in Florida was praying as he closed a trouble-ridden church
business meeting: "Lord, we need faithfulness! Send the spirit of the
children of Israel. Give us, Lord, the spirit of the children of Moses."

Frequent amens punctuated the pastor's prayers.

"Lord, send us the spirit of the children of Abraham," he continued.

Just then an old woman near the back called out, "Lord, don't send nobody.
Come yourself! This ain't no time for children."