TGIF 29 May 98 

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Compiled by Jan Rogers

From Pam Warren:

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir,
you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man said with pride. "I work for the Minnesota
Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and said to the second man, "You, sir,
are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one
down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the
nurse came back, this time to speak to the third man -- who had been quiet
in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to
quadruplets.

Stunned, he could say nothing. "Don't tell me!" said the nurse. "Another
coincidence?"

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it; I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had
just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after
some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, they heard him muttering over and over:
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...I should have never taken
that job at 7-Eleven...I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...."

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Conan O'Brien:

CBS announced they're cancelling the show, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. The
way they're going to wrap it up is by featuring a cameo appearance by Dr.
Kervorkian, Medicine Man.

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From Dave Shaw,
the top ten signs a redneck has been using a computer:
 

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
 

Ask Dr. Science...

Q: Dr. Science, why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second?
Can't science do better than this?

A:  Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace that light goes only a measly
186,000 miles per second. But physicists are working on the problem. There
is already a prototype vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the
headlights shine at only 186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to
driving down the freeway the wrong way with the headlights not only out,
but actually chasing you down the road. This is why so many scientists
today no longer own a driver's license.

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From Bruce Clewett,
what to say when people ask

why you aren't married yet:
 

Because I just love hearing this question.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Why aren't you thin?
 

From John Henry, for all the mothers:

A MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart
to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything
we say.

PRENATAL:  When your life was still somewhat your own.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into, "get a sponge."

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Ronnie Shakes:

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for "Probable Cause".

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought
tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

One question on hospital admittance forms really gets me. "Sex:  Male or
Female?" Do I want to be in a hospital where they can't tell the
difference?

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just be one of the boys. It was
tough. I went to an all-black school. I went so far as to have them print
my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me
away.

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From Bruce Clewett, some "Descartes" jokes:

I am, therefore I think. (That's putting Descartes before the horse.)

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not." Descartes disappears.

Descartes described how his father taught him how to swim by throwing him
into the Seine: "I sink, therefore I swam."

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My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she scribbles in her
diary.  --Drake Sather

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From Dennis Fahringer, quotable quotes:

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with
great force."
                -Dorothy Parker

"Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
                -James Thurber
 
"If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick
to the truth."
                -Angela Thirkell

"We must believe in luck.  For how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?"
                -Jean Cocteau

"Hollywood - a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum."
                -Laurence Stallings

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also from Dennis....
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up,
I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but  why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

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Bill Maher:

My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic.  was brought up Catholic, but
with a Jewish mind. When I went to confession, I always brought a lawyer
with me. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... I think you know Mr.
Cohen?"

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From Ron and Judy Maynard, some actual headlines:
 

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

top ten signs that it's time to start

tithing:

10. Your church started a new stewardship drive -- every time you give,
your chances of winning increase.
9. The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the service.
8. The last few Sunday's the treasurer has gotten up halfway through the
service and turned the heat off.
7. The preacher has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three
years.
6. The deacons are starting to drool and growl as they collect the
offering.
5. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with ice cream buckets.
4. The treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes.
3. You tried to call the church office last week but found that the phone's
been disconnected.
2. Parking meters had to be installed in the church parking lot.
1. As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a partnership
in the Gospel.
 

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